"I am not proud of the girl that I was. But without being that girl, I wouldn’t be the woman that I am today. So, if it makes any sense to you, I have no regrets" I heard Wendy Williams say these words when she talked about the things that made her feel so strongly connected to Whitney Houston.
Earlier today, I was told by one of my mentors, Femi Odugbemi, “Life can be so harsh that only people who handle it with a lot of optimism can survive it”. Interesting statement, coming from someone who had no idea what I had been going through in my personal life, especially on that day…
Perhaps one day, I will be bold enough to mention some of the things I have had to deal with, for though I do not claim to have been to the ends of travail and back, I have had my wounds which hurt as much as a wound would, whether it was an amputated limb, a (major or minor) surgery, a broken leg or a razor blade cut. Pain is pain. Each person must deal with their pain, help others cope with theirs or just stfu!
I have just emerged from a series of minor battles, all with a culminating result in failure. Then I remember, it was I who set the ball rolling, who started the entire process that got me right where I am now. Do you now understand why many insist, “your destiny is in your hands”? I think of all the time and effort put into that struggle, only to be cut off in one action by a person who has no understanding of your personal situation, but simply has the power to make or break you, your status….perhaps, even your life. It just depends on how you see the glass.
It feels like a woman who spent a difficult 9 months carrying the baby who died at birth; like the man who showed up on the first day of his dream job only to find the had company folded up. But it isn’t any of these, so what it really feels like is a knife to your chest; a hole carved out, gnawing and nagging at you, telling you it was all your fault, asking you to regret, reminding you that it only took a left (or right) turn for your life to change in such a spiral fashion. Have you ever tried to untangle a telephone cable? #Selah.
I have come to the end of my struggle with this reality, almost as quickly as it has hit me, head-on. In part, because I remember telling people “I’ve made my decision, I’ll stick with it and I’ll live with the consequences, no matter what. No regrets”, in part, because there is no other way to go and thirdly, because I am a believer and because I trust that there is much more that’s waiting ahead of me than lies behind. Being the stubborn ass that I am, I can continue fighting and cause more pain to everyone, including myself, or I can walk away with my scars. Wasn’t it I who said, “my scars make me beautiful”?? Wasn’t I the one who vowed that our victories were manifested in our “trophies of war”? Now, I’m not so sure. Why?
In truth, I am a believer; a firm believer in myself; a woman who, today knows that my life is what I make of it. If I must make anything of the rest of my life, I must learn from my past. I must carry my badge; wear it proudly until I graduate to the next level.
A few years ago, I bought a journal (one of my favourite things to collect) called “Becoming…” I was proud of it, encouraged by the promise in its message to me. Today, I am still inspired by it, simply by looking back to see my growth as a person, as a woman.
I have hurt a number of people in my “becoming” and it doesn’t matter whether it was deliberate, the deed was done. So because this blog is about getting closure, without further ado, I do hereby most sincerely apologise to everyone I have ever hurt, from the bottom of my heart. There are a number of specific people I will not deign to mention because of the nature of this writ.
At this point, I am simply grateful for my “becoming” process; simply glad that I can learn and grow from my mistakes and experiences, towards becoming a better woman. I am glad that I have grown from being a rash little girl who had no idea what she wanted to do with her life, to a woman who is making and loving her self-discovery, who is hardworking and determined; a woman who (against the odds) still believes in love and who loves the Lord.
Today and at this very moment, I am hurting from fresh (and even stale) wounds that are concealed by my widely acclaimed smile, but I will heal and then be able to show off my scars, victoriously. I am confident that no matter how many winding paths we encounter, we shall arrive at the predestined destination!
Therefore, my testimony too becomes, "I am not proud of the girl that I was. But without being that girl, I would not be the woman that I am today." Lord, I am thankful for every mistake I have made, every wrong turn, every foul error and misdeed. I am thankful for every time I stayed true to my convictions, no matter how difficult and lonely that route was. Through it all, you have shaped me to(wards) my BECOMING.
Tonight, I stand pure, by God's grace alone, saying boldly, "I have no regrets".
- Omoye BROWNIE Uzamere.
Thespian Muse
